Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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