I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Randomize
