Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Randomize
