I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
