I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
