I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Randomize
