how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Randomize
