matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Boobs are out for the taking
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Randomize
