You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
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