This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
I love how my cats smell like pot.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
