I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
