That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Randomize
