Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
