The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Randomize
