Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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