i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
