He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
This toilet bowl is my home.
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