the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Randomize
