i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
