I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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