i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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