Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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