Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
I have a number of responses, ranging in content, tone, and maturity. Choose your destiny...
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