Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
