I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
She told me I should be a condom model.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
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