It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
