it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
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