I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Randomize
