There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
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