im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
