I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Randomize
