Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
