A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
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