He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Randomize
