I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
I just found a bag of teeth...
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
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