Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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