I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Randomize
