This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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