I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Randomize
