my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
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