why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
