The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
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