What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Randomize
