these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
Randomize
