Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
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Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
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