I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
This is my gift to your gina
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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