Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
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