woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
