Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
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