So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Randomize
