I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Randomize
