I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
