My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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