my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
Randomize
